Lets be honest, there are alot of “douchey” athletes out there. Some play their respective game like a douche, some act like a douche off the field, and some just look like douches. This article is all about dishonoring those athletes who deserve the title of “Douchebag”…For my first installment, I will be looking at all of the players in the NFL and judging one division at a time. The way this will work is, I am going to look at one team at a time and list all of the players on that team that I think act or look like douchebags and then I will briefly describe why I feel they deserve this dishonor. In this edition we will cover the AFC West.
AFC – West
- Peyton Manning – Eli put up a good fight, but the combination of his face, lack of clutch wins on his resume, and the way he runs…Peyton wins the award of “Douchiest Manning”.
- Eric Decker – I bet you he beat a few kids for their lunch money back in the day.
- Tyler Grisham – My general rule is that all White WRs are douchebags.
- Jason Hill – He probably scares the hell out of his wife every time the lights are out…imagine waking up in the middle of the night, its pitch black in the room, and all you see are those eyes staring at you?
- Brandon Stokely – I will refer back to my comment for Tyler Grisham on this one.
- Demaryius Thomas – 4 catches for 204 yards..of course he is making this list.
- Tim Toone - I have an addendum to my “White WR Rule”…Even more douchier than a White WR is a White WR with dreadlocks…
- Ben Garland - Honestly, his face just creeps me out.
- Zane Beadles – That is some napppyyyyy hair.
- Orlando Franklin – Crazy eyes…
- Chris Kuper – If I remade the movie “Flubber”, he would replace the green goo as the star.
Kansas City Chiefs:
- Matt Cassel – Every year, you are supposed to be a halfway decent fantasy QB, so I draft you…and every year, my team ends up sucking because of you.
- Brady Quinn – It’s not necessarily that you are a douchebag..You just suck at football.
- Peyton Hillis – For going from nearly 1200 yards to 587 yards in a span of one year, you are awarded my mockingly sarcastic applause.
- Jon Baldwin – What type of douche starts a fight with Thomas Jones? Learn your place rook.
- Caleb Campbell - His neck is wider than his head.
- Andy Studebaker – With a name like this he deserves to be on this list. His unfortunate face also helps..
- Gabe Miller – I wonder how many curling irons he has gone through.
- Anthony Toribio – I dub thee “Sir Roly-Poly”
- Rob Bruggeman – I would think that someone who gets paid millions to sit on the sideline would look much happier.
- David Mims – Fake mustaches are kinda funny…Real ones are creepy.
- Al Davis – I know he’s dead and some might call this insensitive…but he douched this team into oblivion for the past decade…I mean, JaMarcus Russel for example…
- Terrelle Pryor – He pulled up to a team meeting in a brand new Nissan 350Z, WHILE he was being investigated by the NCAA…I love it when a douche gets burned.
- ALL of their WRs – You are USELESS in fantasy football.
- David Ausberry – Vernon Davis wannabe.
- Brandon Myers - Professional football player wannabe.
- Sebastian Janikowski – I actually kind of admire this guy..He’s a 250 lb kicker..He’s fat, yet he is the best kicker in the league..It baffles me.
- Shane Lechler – He’s got Janikowski syndrome to a lesser extent..There is no need for him to be 225 lbs.
- Matt Giordano – I bet you he ends up as a beat cop after football.
- Michael Huff - He was supposed to be so good..Now he’s, ehh.
- Travis Goethel – Their kicker is bigger than him…He’s a LB.
- Mason Brodine – Offensive linemen must LOVE lining up opposite of this guy, he’s not intimidating anyone.
- Richard Seymour – This guy, on the other hand, has a nasty streak running through him.
- Khalif Barnes – Kinda looks like a swollen Lawrence Fishburn.
- Cooper Carlise – Total rich kid name.
San Diego Chargers:
- Philip Rivers – He throws like a girl.
- Charlie Whitehurst – If Jesus played football…
- Jacob Hester – He’s punishment for trying to be a White RB…They made him a FB.
- Ryan Matthews – Either stop getting hurt, or stop playing..It’s not fair to everyone who drafts you in the first round.
- Malcom Floyd – You are screwed without V. Jackson on the other side.
- Richard Goodman – Teardrop tattoo = douche.
- Kory Sperry – You’ve got Antonio Gates, Randy McMichael, and Dante Rosario ahead of you on the depth chart…Just move to OL with the rest of the Whiteys.
- Nate Kaeding - Silly little man, the NFL is for men…He is like the anti-Janikowski.
- Atari Bigby – Every picture of his looks like a mugshot.
- Bront Bird – It’s not your fault you’re on this list…it’s your parents fault for naming you “Bront”…Although if I was one of your parents I probably would have named you “No”.
- Ricky Elmore – Valiant effort on trying to pull of the haircut…
- Jarret Johnson – If I was to describe your head with the first thing that came to mind, it would be..Q-tip with wings.
- Jeromey Clary – Click his name and you will understand why words are not even necessary.
- Brandyn Dombrowski – Definitely farm raised..possibly cow raised